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Home | Coming Events | Directions | E-missive | Funny Bones | Lay Leaders' Welcome | Pastor's Welcome
Welcome to Funny Bones, Midvale's
page of humor and good cheer. You will find here a
collection of jokes
A monastery in
the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a
business to defray their expenses. Other monasteries, they knew, had opened
bakeries or wineries. Being English, however, they decided to open a
fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular,
attracting people from all over. A family went to church one day. The choir sang beautifully and the Pastor preached the word of God profoundly. The congregation shouted and danced praised unto God. They had a really exciting time in The Lord. On the way home, the youngest son said. "Dad, I can't believe they put on that whole show for only a dollar!" Our nation transitioned from one president to another in an orderly and
dignified manner. Perhaps there will be some really good, clean jokes about our
new president. In the meantime, here is one surfacing again about President
Bush:
The teacher asked the class, “who can tell me why Jesus was born in Bethlehem?’ The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.The organist thought before replying," Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?" What are chickens thankful for on Thanksgiving? That they are not turkeys. There was this
20 dollar bill and a 1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal
Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side, the 1 dollar bill said
to the 20 dollar bill, "Hey man - where have you been? I haven't seen you in a
long time?"
Kids' Bible Jokes In Las Vegas, there are more churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method of doing this efficiently. They send them all to a nearby monastery, where they are sorted and redeemed for cash. This work is done, of course, by chip monks!
“A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ‘Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring
dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a
wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?’ God: "Whew! I
just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth." The new
minister arrived at her rural church. She was invited to Sunday dinner at the
lay leader's farm. There she ate a delicious friend chicken dinner with all the
trimmings. As she left she thanked the family and looking over the farm
observed, "That's a mighty proud rooster over there by the fence." A young man
came before magistrate. The charge? Running a red light. The judge gave him a
chance to explain himself. "You see," he said, "I ran the red light because I
needed to reach the school where I teach." While away on
vacation, Violet said to her husband Doug, "I think I left the iron on. It may
burn down the house." Answers to
life's important questions, the answers we wish we thought up. Three engineers, all male. were
talking about God. One was a mechanical engineer who claimed that God must be of
his profession because of the mechanical genius of the design of the body--all
those joints and muscles moving in harmony. The church treasurer was ecstatic. “Look at this,” she yelled. “We just got a
check here for $200 thousand.”
Tommy's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their
cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and
went about her work. The visiting
minister was trying to have a conversation with a child, while its mother was in
the kitchen preparing the tea and cookies that would add more pounds to the
minister’s already portly posterior. “What does your mother do for you when
you’ve been a good girl?” the minister asked. A group of
chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories.
A woman is driving toward home in
Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had
been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navaho woman climbs in. During
their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the
front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the
woman, "it's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." On his
sixteenth birthday the son approached his father and asked, "Dad, I'm sixteen
now. When I get my license, can I drive the family car? A man and his
wife were sitting in the living room when he remarked, "Just for the record, I
never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug." The
pastor asked his bishop, A woman applied for a job. The HR person stated the qualifications needed, among them a methodical, close attention to details. "Well," the woman replied as she stood up. "I guess this job is not for me. I've been a life-long Presbyterian and I'm not about to change and become a Methodist." A lot has been said about the drought hitting certain parts of this nation. What has not been said is that the drought effects the practices of many Christian churches. The Baptists have started sprinkling. The Methodist were using a wet wash cloth. The Presbyterians were giving rain checks. And the Catholics were trying to turn wine back into water.
There was a feud between the
Pastor and the Music Director on The Hicksville Baptist Church. A man was
being interviewed for a job. The interviewer stressed that the job required a
person who paid close attention to detail. "It's important that the person
taking this job be methodical, " the interviewer said. The pastor stood up one Sunday morning and announced, "We are looking for a treasurer." The congregation began to murmur among themselves, "I thought we had a new just just last month?" The minister heard the murmuring and said, "That's the one we are looking for." Father
was making pancakes for breakfast. Five-year old Timmy and four-year old Billy
were arguing over who should have the first one. What do you
get when you cross an insomniac, and agnostic, and a dyslexic? A mother looked out a window and
saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was
preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work. A man looked
out his door and saw a boy next to an overturned hay cart. "Help me get this
together for my father." This suggested
wedding announcement is for our enjoyment. A
five-year-old boy announced to his mother he wanted to marry Sally, the girl
next store. A retired Methodist minister in his eighties is still winning foot races in senior Olympics. After he easily won the 100-meter dash, a colleague congratulated him on the win. The senior Olympian replied, "It really wasn't that hard. I was the only who heard the gun." A couple of
weeks before Easter, a pastor was teaching a Sunday school class of small
children about forgiveness and story of the thief on the cross. Finally, she
asked, "And what were Jesus' last words on the cross?" Two Christian
mystics wee talking outside their monastery. One mystic said to the other, "How
did you like my latest book, The Art of Levitation?" A visiting
pastor gave the sermon at a church known to be in the spirit. Unfortunately,
when someone said, "Amen," or " Preach preacher," the guest preacher would find
new enthusiasm and extend the message. A sign at a
bus stop read: “CROSS-TOWN BUSES RUN ALL DAY.” During a
revival meeting, the preacher asked anyone who had a need to come to the stage.
Moving to the first respondent, the preacher asked, "Brother, what is your
need?" A grandmother
was so elated to learn that her grandchildren were coming to visit that she gave
a $10 thank gift to the church. It must be a sign of the times: A church usher greeted two strangers to the service and asked them where they would like to sit. Looking confused, a young man replied, "Nonsmoking, please." A church
service fell on he last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who hade bagged
a deer. No one raised a hand. "I don't understand," the pastor said. "Last Sunday, many of
you said you would be missing because of hunting season. So I asked the whole
congregation to pray for your deer." The hospital
insurance person came to man who recently underwent surgery. She asked the
patient about insurance.
The Sunday school teacher was trying
to impress the kids that money isn't the most important thing in life. She
asked, "What would you do if I offered you a thousand dollars not to love your
parents?" Sermons are like pie-crust. The shorter -- the better. A bill
collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" she asked the
woman answering the door. Two college
buddies met at the reunion. One bragged about his success. The other listened,
but he was not known as a go-getter. So the conversation turned to the Bible.
Question: What do the Detroit Lions football team--perennial losers--and Bill
Graham have in common? Why did a
Buddhist refuse Novocain for a root canal in his dentist's office?
Three friends from the local
congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" A man walks by
an empty swimming pools and sees an injured man lying at the bottom. "Are you
okay?" he calls down. A church
congregation decided to offer four services on a Sunday morning. Being
strategic, they tailored each service to a different group. One was for people
who were new to the faith. Another service was designed for regular worshippers
who preferred a more traditional style of worship. Another service was for those
who had lost their faith and wanted to get it back. The fourth was a service for
those who had experienced unsuccessful times in other churches and had some
complaints. A
minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of
lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The elderly
priest was speaking to the younger priest. "It was a good idea to replace the
first four rows of pews with plush, bucket theater seats. It worked like a
charm. The front of the church is always fills first now." The first day on the job painting the lines on an interstate produced a prodigious accomplishment for this newly hired painter--109 miles. The supervisor was impressed and sent him out the next day with a promise of a pay raise and promotion. The workday concluded and the painter had only painted only 5 miles. The next day he finished with only 1 mile. The supervisor frowned and prepared to say the famous words, "You're fired," when instead he asked why the mileage decrease. The painter replied with a straight face, "It isn't my fault. I kept getting farther and farther away from the paint can. It was the
last day before a college football team was to play a championship game.
Unfortunately the head coach just received word that the star running back had
failed his history exam, failed his course and was now disqualified. A group of
animals were bored and decided to play a game of football, like the humans did.
The animals chose sides and began to play. Though the score was close through
most of the first half, the rhinoceros was tearing up the field--nobody could
stop him. Finally the lion's team caught up and broke a tie because it could
kick for the extra point. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples A Sunday
School teacher was discussing the commandment, "honor your father and your
mother," with her eight-year-old children. She asked, "Is there a commandment
that tells us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Why was a sermon like a donut? Because it has no beginning, no end, sometimes nothing in the middle. In Las Vegas there are more churches than casinos. During Sunday services many worshippers put casino chips in the offering plates. Since the chips are worth money, the Catholic Churches require the chips to be sent to Brother Damien's office in a local monastery. Brother Damien's role is to visit the various casinos and redeem the chips for cash. Along the Strip, Brother Damien is also known as "The Chip Monk." An elderly
woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She asked
for 50 Christmas stamps. QUESTION: Why
did Jesus grow up to be such a strong and loving man? One Liners To
Savor-- A Sunday
School teacher said to her class of children: "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queen were in Bible times. But there is a higher power. Can
anybody tell me what it is? An airline
encountered turbulence, and the passengers were terrified. Things were flying
across the cabin and people were screaming. A flight attendant encountered a
minister among the passengers, "Reverend," she asked, "Can you do something
religious to help us out?"
A pastor has a kitten that climbed up a
small tree in his yard but then from afraid to come down. The pastor tried to
coax her down with warm milk; still, the kitten wouldn’t come down. Pastor to parishioner after a service: "Did you like my sermon on the milk of human kindness?" "Yes," she said, "but I wish it had been condensed." Centuries ago, when people cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. A wit once described golf as a game where you shoot six, write down five, and yell, "Fore!" A
lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his
selection the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here
lies an honest man and a lawyer," he responded. The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now Veronica, tell me. Do
you say prayers before eating?"
"I'm sure glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother. Then he
tugged at her slacks and whispered, "Now maybe Daddy will do that trick he
promised us." A three year old boy opened a birthday gift from his grandmom. It was a water pistol! He jumped up, ran outside and filled it with the garden hose. He then ran off, spraying anything, anyone who came before him. "I'm not so sure I like this gift," his mother mused. "I'm surprised at you. I thought you were against water pistols. I remember how you complained all the time about them when we were his age." With a wry smile the grandmother replied, "I remember..."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked her employee. "Yes, m'am. I
do," he replied. An IRS agent called the church to verify a $10,000 deduction one of the parishioner's claimed on her income taxes. The preacher picked up the call. "I can't check the records right now. But I'll say this...if she didn't, she will!" What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Floodlights.
JESUS'
DAD'S NAME -- A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was
Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who
knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge."
After a hardy Oklahoma rainstorm filled all the potholes in the back alley, a
young mother watched her two little boys playing in a water puddle through her
kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling
by the back of the head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the younger
boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the back yard
in a panic. A teenager who
had just received his learner's permit offered to drive his parents to church.
After a hair-raising ride, the teenager finally pulled up to the church. A visitor from
The Netherlands, chatting with the pastor, observed that the American flag has
the same red, white and blue colors as The Netherlands flag. Three guys stranded on a deserted island find a magic lantern. They rub it and a genie appears, who will grant them each a wish. The first wishes he were off the island, back home with his family. The guy disappears. The second wishes to be home also. He is gone. The third guy looks around the island, then mutters, "I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back here." Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. This has been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it!" I am setting up a test that will run for two hours. I'll judge who does the better job. The test began as Jesus and Satan sat at their keyboards typing away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. The wrote reports and sent them in faxes. They sent e-mail, with attachments, downloaded e-mail attachments, retrieving them with zip-drives. They did genealogies, made cards. They did every program known. About ten minutes before the end of the test, the clear skies grew ugly with a fierce storm. Rain fell and lightening flashed. Of course the electricity went off. The computers died. Satan looked at his blank screen and screamed every curse in the universe. Jesus just sighed. A few minutes later the electricity came back on. Both rebooted their machines. Satan began to scream and pull his hair out, his screen was blank, no data to be found. Jesus began to print all his files for examination. The two hours were up. Jesus was declared the better computer user. Satan was irate. He accused Jesus of cheating. God shrugged at the accusation by the sore loser. "Don't you know," God said, "Jesus saves. A burglar broke into the home of a very pious Christian person. She was home and heard the burglar rummaging about. "Stop!" she shouted. "Acts 2:38!" (Repent, and be baptized everyone of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins...") The burglar froze in place. The police came and placed the burglar under arrest. The arresting officer asked the burglar why he did not run. After all, all she did was shout a Bible to him. "The Bible!" the burglar exclaimed, I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!" There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. One
evening a minister is driving to the city. He's stopped by the state police for
speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath. The trooper starts to
inspect the car and observes an empty wine bottle on the floor. "Sir, have you
been drinking? A youthful driver is learning to parallel park in the family's car. The efforts are not going well, evidenced by repeated and unsuccessful attempts. A couple of guys on the park bench across the street looked at each other and one said, "Is that what you call paralyzed parking?" What's a tall computer's biggest fear? A slipped disk. A Sunday School student had to ask this. " If the people of Israel are Israelites, and the people of Canaan were Canaanites, are Parasites what we call people living in Paris? A man and his
wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The
wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have
to wait as long to get our coffee." A mother was trying to nudge the catsup from the bottle onto her hamburger. She finally resorted to striking the bottle on the table and upside down with her hand. During her endless struggle the phone rang. She told her 4 year old to answer it. "It's the minister," he called out. "Tell her I'm busy." So the child told the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle." The Prime Minister of
Israel called the Pope in Rome, challenging his best to play Israel's best in a
golf game. The Pope accepted the challenge and asked a faithful Catholic Jack
Nicklaus to represent the Catholic Church. The Pope even ordained him a cardinal
for this event Question: Who
was the greatest financier in the Bible? An atheist
wanted to protect her assets from the recession and falling stock market. She
had memories of bank failures and Great Depression. She went to her bank and
became alarmed when she saw this sign on the door, "Closed for Good Friday. Two snakes were hiding in the grass, feeding on insects passing by. One said to the other, "Time's sure fun when we're having flies." A youth passed
his driving exam and received his license. He went to talk to his father about a
car. "Well," his father replied to the inquiry, "I'll think about a car for you
when you bring your grades us, study your Bible, get a joy and go to the barber
for a hair cut."
"Do
you believe in life after death?" The boss asked one of his employees. The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend your yourselves." How can we
resist these play on words definitions: A Pastor who
was grocery shopping handed a coupon to the checkout clerk, but the coupon
slipped behind the cash register, out of reach. One day a zoo
keeper noticed an orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin
of Species. Curious, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading two such opposite
books?" Two
people were talking about traveling to see family at the holidays. One was
flying home. The other said he could never fly. That his reason is in the Bible.
God answers prayers. Sometimes God answers, "Yes," sometimes the answer is "No," and oftentimes the answer is, "You gotta be kidding!" Several children were having some fun at a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant. While the chaperone was out of the room, the kids began to mix and match costumes. One small boy put on a suit of armor, took a sword and announced he was the famous, "Knight before Christmas." A young couple
invited their pastor to their home for dinner. While they were in the kitchen,
the pastor asked their small son what they were having for dinner. Have you ever
wondered what some church members are like? A married
couple was concerned because their son, who had graduated from high school and
was still living at home. He had yet to get a job or decide on a career. The
parents decided to test their son. They took a $20 bill, a Bible and a bottle of
whiskey and put them on the dining room table. They reasoned, "if our son takes
the money, he'll go into business. If he takes the Bible, he'll be a preacher.
If he takes the bottle of whiskey, he'll end up as a drunk. Much is made about children and
their interpretations of The Lord's Prayer It may not be a Protestant Prayer, but have you ever heard a child pray: "Hail Mary, full of grapes." Children learn
some interesting hymns also: For those who like their
baseball and limericks, Once there were three
country churches with the same problem--each was overrun with squirrels. An old preacher is
dieing. He sent a message to his doctor and lawyer, both church members to sit
beside him. They arrived and were welcomed by the preacher, who grasped them by
the hand and bid them sit either side of the bed. The preacher seemed content,
staring at the ceiling. A kindergarten teacher
gave his students the freedom to draw anything they wished. As the teacher
walked among the students, he noticed a curious drawing by Janie. He asked her
about the picture.
God
is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you
anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing -
in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning." IRS auditor to taxpayer: "No, I'm sorry but you can't claim depreciation on your spouse. Epitaph in a tombstone in Baton Rouge, LA: "I made a lot of deals in my life, but I went in the hole on this one." A small boy,
playing outdoors, was using his mother's broom as a horse. When it got dark, he
left the broom in the yard and went inside the house. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." Want a sure fire way to quiet fidgeting children during the sermon? Tell them that if they are not quiet, the preacher will lose her place and have to begin all over. A grandfather was reading to his granddaughter. She seemed more focused on his wrinkles than the story. Finally she said, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “He God did. God made you too,” he replied. “I know,” she mused, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?” Here are a
few Bible giggles for you :-) Jennifer came home from Church all excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess What? Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts.!" Needless to say mother was more than a bit confused by this statement. When she called the pastor, she learned the Bible lesson was, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." I asked the children in my Sunday school
class, "If I sold my house, my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money
to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. Timmy was a little
five-year-old boy that his Mom loved very much and. Being a worrier, she was
concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked
him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his
mother that he did not want her walking him to school. He wanted to be like the
"big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She
asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to
school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close
enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early
with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well so she agreed. We
should be ashamed of these puns, But they are so bad,
they're good... There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his parishioners: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign --"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " People want to be in the front of the bus; in the back of the church and at the center of attention. Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." Now it made sense. There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go
to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want
her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". The flood ends. Noah tells all the animals to leave the ark. "Go forth and multiply," the patriarch says. Two snakes lag behind. Noah ask why they don't go off. The snakes answer, "We can't multiply. We're adders." Bumper Stickers we wish we'd see A committee of five consists of one person who does the work, two people to pat them on the back and two people to bring in a minority report. Some children were
repeating their weekly Bible verses from memory. This is what they said: "God is
our REFUSE and strength - a very present help in trouble." (see Psalm
46:1) " And God saw all that he CREMATED and behold it was very good."
(Genesis 1:31) George W. Bush was
walking through an airport when he saw an old man with a long beard wearing a
white robe and carrying staff. He walked up to the man and asked, "Are you
Moses?"
The man made no reply. Again George W. asked, a little louder, "Excuse me, sir,
aren't you Moses?" Still no reply. A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" Terri asked her Sunday
School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled
by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him
which story it was meant to represent. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." A college drama group
presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce,
"I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor
would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received.
A little girl was sitting on her
grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would
take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
"Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long
time ago." A minister rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. She was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit her second shot, when she heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into her back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the minister assured him that she was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Reverend" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!" Some Thoughts On Giving:
The Smith family was visiting grandmother's house. Grandmother prepared a
special meal for her family. As soon as Todd received his dinner, he began to
eat.
Three boys were talking and bragging as they walked to school one morning. A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants A man dropped in to pay a friend an unexpected visit, and was amazed to find him playing chess with a dog. The man watched in silence for a few minutes, then burst out with, "That's the most incredible dog I ever saw in my life!" "He isn't so smart," was the answer. "I've beaten him three games out of four." College sorority sisters met at the 40th class reunion. One had become very
rich. The other had a reputation for very little ambition. Neither had seen or
heard from each other for years. The successful asked her sister, "How is
everything with you?"
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play
with the boys?"
A small boy
is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....
On his day off, a pastor
poured concrete for a new driveway at his home. Resting from his labors, he
heard noise and yelling in the front yard. One Sunday
morning the pastor was giving the children's story, and he asked the kids, "What
did God use to make man?" A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Said the elder
priest, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket
seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the
church filled first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And,
you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir."
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
A Texan, a Russian and a New
Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. The server says, "Excuse me, but
the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage." How It All Began... A turtle and a snail have a gruesome head-on collision. The snail is taken to the emergency room, where the doctor asks what happened. Barely conscious, the snail responds, "I don't know, Doc. It all happened so fast.
A pastor visited the
home of a couple who was having trouble conceiving. The couple asked the pastor
to pray and anoint them. The only oil they could find was "3-in-One" household
oil. The pastor prayed and used it to anoint the couple.
A Sunday School teacher is
teaching the kindergarten class about the resurrection of Easter. The teacher
asked, "what did Jesus say when he arose from the grave?" A little boy was
attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many
women can a man marry? "Sixteen," the boy responded His cousin was amazed that
he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy
said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How
do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you
keep crossing things out?" Six year old Angie and her 4-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel jiggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally Angie had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." It was a
beautiful Easter morning. The minister decided he could do a quick round of golf
and still make it to church on time for the service. Most others he thought
would be at church. He figured the parishioners would assume he was making last
minute preparations on his sermon. He teed off and on the first hole, a par
five, he shoots a hole in one. Sooner or Later, we were bound to come across these gems-- so bad they are
funny: A pregnant woman gets into a car accident. Her
injuries cause her to fall into a coma for many months. When she wakes up, she
realizes she is no longer pregnant. Now she frantically asks about her baby. A janitor was failing
to perform the cleaning duties for the United Methodist Church. The board
decided to fire him because of his performance of duties and because he was
illiterate, could not read or write. The janitor decided to go into business for
himself and much to everyone's surprise became quite successful. Asked what the difference is between a tax collector and a taxidermist, Mark Twain replied: "A taxidermist only takes the skin." While handing a 50
cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk, the shopper dropped the coupon, which
slipped under the counter and was gone. The checker looked distressed, but the
shopper said, "That's all right, its in coupon heaven now." Two pals were sitting
in a pub watching the late news. A report comes on about a man threatening to
jump from the top of a building. One man says to the other, "I'll bet you 10
bucks the guy doesn't jump."
The chief rabbi of
Jerusalem visited the Pope at the Vatican. As the Pope was showing the rabbi
around, the rabbi noticed an antique telephone sitting on the desk. "What's that
phone for?" the rabbi asked. "I use that to call God." "Can I try it? asked the
rabbi. The Pope nodded. After a short call to God, the Pope said, "You owe
$42.00 for the call." Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence............. A thought: "On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, 'Let's see the evolutionists figure this one out.'" A
husband and wife died and took different routes to their eternal destiny. When
she got to heaven, she called her husband on the telephone. "How do you like it
down there?" A new resident of Bronxville was approached by her neighbor's dog, which appeared at the door and politely asked for a copy of the New York Daily News. Later that day, when she met the dog's owner, the newcomer expressed her amazement at the dog's abilities. "Don't let that mutt fool you," replied the owner. "All he does is look at the comics." A soldier was sentenced
to be flogged as punishment for a crime. As the soldier was led to the flogging
field, he began to laugh. His laughter was almost convulsive. Although many
snickered, the flogging took place, the man continuing to laugh. A Sunday School teacher required that his class memorize the 23rd Psalm. A week or two later, the class was to recite the psalm to receive a prize. One student stood to recite the classic lines. As he did, everyone in attendance smiled at his first line and its interpretation. "The Lord is my shepherd--and that's all I need to know.!" A Sunday school teacher
told her students about the story of the Good Samaritan, in which he was beaten,
robbed and left for dead. She was quite vivid with her details. She then asked
the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A woman named Gladys
began to attend a church. The minister in this church was a bit boring and
long-winded. Many in the pews fell asleep. But Gladys, a vivacious person, kept
attending. She approached one person in the pew after church, "Hello," she said
with a smile on her lips and in her voice, "I'm Gladys Dunn." A highway patrol officer stopped a car, whose driver was weaving erratically over the road. The officer discovered the driver was a local preacher. After the standard impairment tests, the officer made a move to arrest the preacher. "On what charge? asked the minister. "All I have in the car is a bottle of water." The officer took the bottle, opened and smelled it. "Smells like wine to me." "Praise Jesus," exclaimed the preacher, "he did it again!" A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" A church in a small
town learned that its new neighbor was to be an adult nightclub. The leaders
were shocked. They prayed that the Lord would close this evil business--with a
bolt of lightning, an earthquake, fire, floods, whatever--thereby freeing their
wholesome town of sin. A guy from Tyson Foods
arranges to visit the Pope. after receiving the papal blessing he whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". A guy was invited to an
old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by an
endearing term, honey, darling, etc. A church school teacher
of pre-schoolers quizzed her class in an attempt to impress upon them the
importance of the season for Christians.
Something to think about: Thomas Edison said that genius is one percent
inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. I hate to think of anyone that
sweaty handling electricity. "Doctor, you must do
something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator," said the wife to the
doctor. The coach was commenting on a disastrous season, trying to be optimistic. "We are sure to improve," he said. " We lost all ten games this season. Next season we have only nine games scheduled." Two very rich but
corrupt and evil brothers attended the same church. One of the brothers died.
The surviving brother sought out the pastor before the funeral service. Riding in a car, a group of men were heading to hunt bear. They came to a fork in the road that read, "Bear Left." So they went home. A helicopter just
rescued 11 people, ten men and one woman, who are now dangling from a
rope. The pilot calls down, "Too much weight! Some one better jump. Now!" A United Methodist preacher and his
wife retired. Seeking to enjoy his passion, which was denied in the busyness of
the ministry, the man went fishing, by dropping his line into a bucket in the
couple's living room. After a few weeks of this retiree's behavior--fishing in
the living room--the concerned wife sought the help of a psychiatrist for her
husband. Recently a robber
attempted to pull off a heist at a United Methodist parsonage. The thief almost
succeeded, but the light of the flashlight caught the sleeping minister's
attention. The minister leaped out of bed and after a tussle, subdued the thief
until the police arrived. The newspapers reported the incident, giving it front
page, full headline banner attention. Sally was at her wit's end over the
bills and creditor letters. She began to pray, "O God, please let me win the
$100,000 lottery tonight and pay my bills." That night she listened to the
lottery report, but she did not win. Members of the high school class of
1965 gathered for a reunion. One of the members remarked that she had been
married four times. A number of classmates found that very odd. She explained
that her first husband, a banker, died. Her second husband was an actor. The
third was a minister. Her current husband is a funeral director. A waiter
become ill and was rushed to the hospital emergency room. He was lying on a
stretcher, in great pain, feeling ignored in the busy unit. He saw an intern
walk by and said, "Doctor, you have to help me." "There is nothing in the world
impossible to me," said the mental patient. " I've conquered space and time." The story goes that one
of James M. Whistler's long-suffering creditors met the painter on the street
and said, "May I ask, Mr. Whistler, when you intend to pay me?' Sometimes our children
can make some interesting interpretations of adult words and prayers in church. A church school teacher wanted to teach her class the biblical basis of giving. She asked each student to say a Bible verse when they put their gift in the plate. The next Sunday, Mary walked up and as she put her money in the plate she said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Joe went to put some coins in the plate. He said, "The Lord loves a cheerful giver." Next it was Vinnie's turn. As he dropped his money in the plate he recited his verse, "A fool and his money are soon parted." A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and Poof! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and poof! He was 90. Marvin went often to
the race track, usually with very little to show for it. A Minnesota
businesswoman left the snows of northern Minnesota for a Key West vacation. Her
husband was to follow for long weekend. After checking into the hotel, she
decided to send a quick e-mail but discovered she could not find the address.
From memory, and feeling rushed by the clock for an important meeting, she
recalled it, sent a love message and ran to the meeting. Two boys were arguing
about what their fathers were able to do. Said one, "You know the Atlantic
Ocean? Well, my dad dug the hole for it." A young man,
walking home late one night, decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. In
the low light he tripped and fell into a newly dug grave. Several minutes later
a drunk strolled by and heard a voice calling from below, "I'm freezing down
here!"
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